Can you teach people how to treat you?

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This is a topic I have struggled to come to terms with; especially when you are born with the capacity to love and overdo it (and I mean, really overdo it). Can you teach people how to treat you? If you have been treated badly by a friend, family member, lover, crush, is it inherently your fault? Will you always come across people that no matter how good you are to them, fail to treat you the same way? I personally think that you can express your expectations, set your boundaries for how you want to be treated, love yourself to the fullest, but you can’t “teach” someone who doesn’t want to be taught.  You cannot force someone you care about, to show the same level of attentiveness, affection, and effort as you do. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum and burned my self-esteem through tireless efforts to get people I adore to love and respect me the way I love and respect them.

Self love, is so important, but here are some tips to dealing with people who don’t treat you the way you want to be treated:

  1. Learning to eventually identify, reflect, and communicate the issue helps. You should never feel like you are doing so much with nothing to show for it.
  2. Walking away: having the confidence to tone it down or walk away completely is an option.
  3. Learning that people express love and affection in many different ways: your way of expressing love may not reflect someone else’s manner of expressing love/friendship.

 

What are your thoughts? Is it contextual?

“Never give 100% of yourself to someone you love!”

Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.42.03 PM“Esther, you need to be a little meaner/a bitch. Men love bitches.”

“You do too much, you love with all of your heart. In the ends it leaves you hurt and empty.”

“You need to have higher standards and you also need to marry a man who loves you much more than you love him”

“the one who cares less, has more power”

I have heard a variation of these statement over the years; usually following a falling out with a guy or a love/crush that was unrequited.

I hate mind games. I love authentic interactions with men. I love being myself around guys I am interested in. I have however, reached a point where I think that some interactions require these temporary “tactics” or “mind games” that are deemed highly acceptable by the dating scene. I feel exhausted putting so much love, energy and effort into someone who doesn’t see my value/pushes me away, only to realize he is madly in love with me after the fact that I did my part and moved the hell on. There is a plethora of videos and books on the “how to ____ ” in regards to making a man want you more, making yourself seem a certain way when you are not etc. Some tactics are almost borderline manipulating, but branch off human psychology (we are pretty fucked up, y’all). I wish that it were ok for me to display my affections without the need pull away in order for him to notice my absence, or going completely cold turkey even though we both seem to get on very well. *slaps forehead*. Keeping a man’s (or woman’s) interest is a topic that that will stay relevant and will continue to be analyzed, put to the test, and made for profit. I do understand the inherent need for these tactics, but is there an ideal outcome where two people just can be their unapologetic selves?

It’s cool to be apathetic and nonchalant these days, displaying a side of yourself that cares too much or forgives too easily is a HUGE no-no in love and relationships it seems.

 

What are your thoughts?

Seeking Validation vs Feeling Sexy

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I recently posted this photo ^ on my Instagram feed. I posted it in early February and since then have thought of taking it down. Esther that is way too sexy, too revealing, whose approval are you seeking? You are not a Victoria’s Secret Model. on the flip side, I also had self empowering thoughts like Esther, girl! you look good. You are comfortable in your sensual, Goddess-like being. Yes it is only social media, and yes there are much bigger problems to worry about, but I am on a journey of self love/self empowerment and I find it interesting that I at least, have these opposing and sometimes contradictory thoughts on my sensuality.

As I mentioned in a previous post, most women have to deal with a LOT of pressure to be this non-realistic superwoman; look amazing 24/7, have an amazing career, find an ideal mate before 30 etc. I find that when women are too comfortable in their own skin it is received as a plight for validation from men *rolls eyes*, a severe case of daddy issues, and a lack of self respect. It is always in accordance to men in some shape or form. The funny part is, women partake in this judgement whether we like to admit or not. There are many instances where I had thought wow she must really be insecure if she is comfortable twerking in her thong for the whole world to see instead of, you know what! get it girl! do what you want! I don’t know about everybody else, but for me it is also the outlet of expression that determines these thoughts. If I saw the same girl bellydancing or whining for instance, I would have immediately praised her instead of question her security or lack thereof.

Why is that?

We are so conditioned to think there is something wrong if a woman takes charge of her sensuality. Is it that offensive? Is it that powerful?

What are your thoughts?

Valentine’s Day Guide for my single gals

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picture: pinterest.com

I’m single as a pringle. Valentine’s Day was the equivalent to a spoonful of Buckley’s on a sick day. February 14th was always deemed a day of discomfort, moping, complaining, and one big WHY AM I ALWAYS SINGLE TODAY?

I am also an incurable romantic. My parents (God bless them), have shown me over and over again that soulmates do exist, that real love is effortless, but in times takes work. They have also showed me their love-sick-teen-like tendencies; which adds more fuel to the hope that maybe one day, I can have what they have.

In recent years I have embraced the widely accepted notion that Valentine’s Day is merely a Hallmark Holiday; you should love your spouse/SO every day Yadda,Yadda,Yadda…

(OK I’M INTERRUPTING THIS BLOG POST TO LET YA’LL KNOW THAT MY PARENTS CALLED ME TO TELL ME THAT THEY JUST WENT ON A NICE DATE) *heart eyes emoji*

I admit, I think I just want to experience at least one cheesy, roses and cards Valentine’s Day with someone I love and cherish. After that, I will gladly indulge in the “well me and so so show our love to each other EVERYDAY”.

For now though, this is how I resolve my Valentine’s Day blues:

  1. Feeling Grateful/Love – This could be for my family, friends, etc. have a journal handy, and write down 3-5 things you are grateful for
  2. Going about it like it is any other day- I work from 11am-9:30pm on Valentine’s Day, so I don’t have a lot of time to dwell on my singledom
  3. Go out with single friends or hangout with people you love- movies, lunch, you name it!
  4. If you are not working have a “me” day- pamper yourself, order some food, and watch some TV!
  5. Always have a positive mindset- girl you saved some money and didn’t have to get a man gifts! I’m playing. Feel happy for couples you know celebrate. Feel the love and excitement for them. Whatever you feel is what you attract…

Rediscovering my feminine energy as a black woman

When I was 6 years old, I was the only black girl in my very white primary school (a private, Jewish school in South Africa), I was taller than all of my classmates, and I discovered that I was a bit of a Tomboy; I loved video-games and skateboards, but also enjoyed my disney classics and barbie dolls. I was shy and kind of introverted, but opened up once I got comfortable.

From a very young age I knew that I was different from my brunette, blonde, blue-eyed counterparts. I also knew that I had to work extra hard to gain the affections of my then school crushes. It never worked though. I always found myself crushing on a guy friend, only to hear “gross! you’re like…a bro!” or “I like Bianca”. Consequently, the bro I did eventually become. The Tomboy side of me seemed to be the most popular and hey, if I couldn’t get the guy, why not delve into his interests full force? In my disposition, it made the most sense. Guys never really had crushes on me, I wasn’t a soft and doe-eyed Bianca, or a cute and girly Michaela. Why is the above information relevant? because it would shape the girl I became in my teens, and the woman I realize I am becoming now.

In primary, middle, and high school I was always deemed the strongest because of my height and build. I was automatically put into the category of “strong black girl” by my classmates and teachers alike. I loved being picked first for sports teams, I would choose the all boys soccer team over the netball team, and I was just overall more masculine than the rest of my female classmates. On the flip side, I started modelling due to my height, so for once I felt a little more beautiful. That however, was short lived because I had to lose an unhealthy amount of weight. For a while I never paid attention to it, I thrived even. It was go go go and do do do. I got good grades and won trophies and medals for my athleticism. A part of me though, never really felt complete. I was so disconnected from who I really was. I’m not saying all I wanted in life was a boyfriend and to become the girliest girl alive, I just knew that at the core, I didn’t feel like myself. Media/representation/stereotypes had a great deal to do with it as well. Of course, at 14 you expect to have a movie-like high school experience, you expect things to magically fall into place but they didn’t. I felt more and more insecure about my height, blackness, and my body. I hated being called Venus or Serena when I went to play Tennis (P.S. I love it now ). At the time I didn’t realize that I could be a multi-faceted black woman and just a woman in general; I could just be the muscular Tennis prodigy who was also a Tomboy. I would be independent and strong. Never weak or vulnerable. I wasn’t as beautiful or as cute as my white classmates. I was the comic relief, but not the love interest. My role model was (and still is) Lara Croft, Tomb Raider who was played by Angelina Jolie in the movie adaptation. She is smart, strong, and stops at nothing to get what she wants. She is also sexy, charming, and white. I didn’t love myself a whole lot, and it took a toll on my self-esteem, and manifested in my late teens and early twenties. I would give too much, try to prove myself a lot, I needed constant validation about my looks, and would end up bruised, bitter and confused.

After a ton of self reflection and google searches due to experiences with men, and life in general, I came to the conclusion that a) I needed to fall in love with myself fully otherwise I would never be happy and b) I was subconsciously plugged into my masculine energy all.the.time. For newbies on this topic, Masculine energy is about doing, getting it done, logic, structure, reason. It’s rigid but forward. Feminine energy is about being, beauty, receiving, creativity, movement, flow, nurturing, love etc. It IS NOT gender specific; there are feminine men and masculine women. It is about energy, and I felt like mine was way off.  I wasn’t living in the moment, I was constantly anxious, and self-deprecation was my favourite hobby. Masculine energy thrives when I am at school or work. I however took that energy into potential relationships and friendships. They all failed because I was doing ALL of the work. I was attracting the opposite of what I wanted therefore I relied on that energy to plan most of the dates/outings. I would be the one doing all of the texting and calling. I took that energy to how I felt about my self. “If I DO this, I will become happier, thinner, wealthier.. I will be loved by him”.  Now I am learning to let go, and to receive more. I am learning to become open to numerous possibilities. I am slowly learning to take care of my mind and body for myself first. I am learning about the type of masculine man I would like to attract so that I may complement it with my feminine energy. I am learning to fall in love with every part of myself. I am learning that I can be a 6’2, black, athletic gamer who wants to get shit done, while simultaneously being a woman who is soft, loves to relax, feel good, feel beautiful inside and out, and receive as much as I give.

Things that have helped me harness my feminine energy:

  1. Movement: I workout more, I dance more, and I have started Yoga!
  2. Embrace my sexuality: Just feeling good and confident about your allure….feeling like a Goddess.
  3. Learning to receive: being grateful for anything that is given to me (covers a spectrum of things. My biggest one is relationships)
  4. Having more “me” time
  5. Taking care of something: for me it is plants, and making sure I always have a clean space
  6. Being in Nature
  7. Shopping for clothes
  8. Getting hair, nails done. Taking care of “Her” 😉 
  9. Eating Healthy
  10. Smiling more and being polite, being graceful
  11. BEING MYSELF
  12. Allowing to feel something, understanding it and letting it go (especially if it is negative)
  13. Create: write, compose, sing, draw etc. create something unique or that expresses a part of you

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photo credit: pinterest.com

New Years Resolutions! 

Hello 2017! 2016 was groundbreaking, eye-opening and emotionally exhausting (at least for me hehe). Everyone loves a clean slate, so I’m grateful for another year and more opportunities to achieve my goals.

LIST OF CURRENT RESOLUTIONS:

  1. Create more content- more Youtube Videos, more blogs, and more photos to come! very excited
  2. Lose 20-30 more pounds- I’m almost at my ideal weight, but more importantly I feel great right now!
  3. Be more in tune with my feminine energy- this is a current work in progress and another blog post altogether! Stay tuned !
  4. Less overthinking over things that are not in my control- Let go and Let God!
  5. get my drivers licence- ……..need I say more.
  6. work on myself, for myself
  7. Find an amazing job that is closer to my field of study (Marketing)
  8. Maintaining positivity and finding happiness in the little things 🙂

 

What are some of your resolutions?

 

-E

 

 

Choose Your Damn Self.

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Unrequited love is by far one of the WORST life lessons to go through (for me at least). I’m a giver, I go out of my way for people, I have tons of that mushy-gooey type of love that poets and writers thrive from…and for  while, I hated it. I hated it because people I love(d) took advantage of it. It is a hit to your self-esteem and worth. Confidence turns to “I’m not good enough” giving with love, turns to expecting things in return.

I loved a handsome young man who was everything I wanted and more in a friend and lover. Tall, smart, down to earth, family oriented etc. I plucked up the courage  to tell him how I felt but his response was rather vague, leaving me in hope (the unhealthy, obsessive type). As time passed, it was VERY clear that he was not interested but insecurity snuck in and told me that all I had to do was PROVE to him that I was worth being with. I wasn’t his physical type, he had some issues he needed to deal with, he was busy, but I paid no mind to the obvious. My only task was to “make him see” that what he needed was right in front of him. wrong. so.very.wrong. Choose to love yourself first, and foremost. If someone doesn’t see the gem that you are, take it as a sign from the universe that it just wasn’t meant to happen, or that something even BETTER is suited for you.

Let it go.

Cry, binge watch The Crown on Netflix, and work on loving and improving yourself FOR yourself. The rest will follow. If you feel sexy, confident, smart etc. people will naturally be drawn to you. Work on your hobbies, hangout with people who do love and care for you. Go out, stay in, just be YOU. Have expectations on how you want people to treat you, and don’t you dare settle for less. Walking away is the hardest part, but close one door, and another will surely open…

photo from : pinterest.com