“I only date ________ women/men.” The line between racial preferences and straight up ignorance.

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source: pinterest

This post is inspired by the recent backlash received by rapper Kodak Black a few weeks ago pertaining to his dating preferences; specifically that he only prefers light skin black women. Side note: I don’t personally listen to Kodak black or care for him really, but his comments sparked my interest because as a darker black woman, we are almost conditioned to feel inferior because our looks and personality. We are also conditioned to believe that we are the last choice in the dating pool (at least in the West). It also sparked my interest because I have been trying to figure out where our dating preferences stem from; specifically with race. Saying that I prefer tall men over short men has a lot more to do with feeling protected, and because I myself am really tall, but (hypothetically) saying that I only prefer white/latino/ men over black men raises a much deeper concern. Is it rooted in bigotry? Is it simply biological? Cultural? Media representations? Self-hate?

During an interview he was asked if he likes performer Keke Palmer, and responded by saying that he didn’t like black women like that. He then took to Instagram to clarify his previous statement:

“I love Black African American women its just not my forte to deal with a “darkskin” woman I prefer them to have a lighter complexion than me #MyPreference #FuckYou.”

At this point, I still wasn’t shaken by his statements. I have heard this statement in many forms over the years. I thought well, a preference is a preference I guess. I recently fell for a white boy, and said white boy told me he only prefers white and latina women. welp. I was obviously upset, but what if he couldn’t help it? On the flip side, what if he believed the stereotypes associated with black women? What if his family ingrained the idea that black women were inferior? Or what if they told him that he could never bring a black girl home?

I only started to roll my eyes and sigh in disbelief when Kodak decided to further his explanation for his preference by spewing complete nonsense like “black people, we too gutter” “light skins are easier to break down” “light skins are more sensitive” “dark skins are too rough”.

My word. Light skin women are easier to break down? what kind of messed up mentality is that? Easier to control and manipulate while her darker skin counterpart is so overly rough and masculine? complete rubbish.

That is my BIGGEST issue with stating racial preferences and preferences in general. If you have a strict racial preference fine, that’s alright. Don’t however, bash or put down dark skin black women or the opposite of your preference in the process. If I have a thing for taller guys, will I bash and deem shorter men effeminate? NO. If I prefer latino/white men over black men, am I putting down black men in the process? HELL no. My father is black, my brother is black.

Additional Side note: I don’t personally really have a strict preference, if a man is gorgeous, he is gorgeous no matter what his skin colour is.

What are your thoughts on preferences? Leave a comment below!

x

 

 

“Never give 100% of yourself to someone you love!”

Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.42.03 PM“Esther, you need to be a little meaner/a bitch. Men love bitches.”

“You do too much, you love with all of your heart. In the ends it leaves you hurt and empty.”

“You need to have higher standards and you also need to marry a man who loves you much more than you love him”

“the one who cares less, has more power”

I have heard a variation of these statement over the years; usually following a falling out with a guy or a love/crush that was unrequited.

I hate mind games. I love authentic interactions with men. I love being myself around guys I am interested in. I have however, reached a point where I think that some interactions require these temporary “tactics” or “mind games” that are deemed highly acceptable by the dating scene. I feel exhausted putting so much love, energy and effort into someone who doesn’t see my value/pushes me away, only to realize he is madly in love with me after the fact that I did my part and moved the hell on. There is a plethora of videos and books on the “how to ____ ” in regards to making a man want you more, making yourself seem a certain way when you are not etc. Some tactics are almost borderline manipulating, but branch off human psychology (we are pretty fucked up, y’all). I wish that it were ok for me to display my affections without the need pull away in order for him to notice my absence, or going completely cold turkey even though we both seem to get on very well. *slaps forehead*. Keeping a man’s (or woman’s) interest is a topic that that will stay relevant and will continue to be analyzed, put to the test, and made for profit. I do understand the inherent need for these tactics, but is there an ideal outcome where two people just can be their unapologetic selves?

It’s cool to be apathetic and nonchalant these days, displaying a side of yourself that cares too much or forgives too easily is a HUGE no-no in love and relationships it seems.

 

What are your thoughts?