This is a topic I have struggled to come to terms with; especially when you are born with the capacity to love and overdo it (and I mean, really overdo it). Can you teach people how to treat you? If you have been treated badly by a friend, family member, lover, crush, is it inherently your fault? Will you always come across people that no matter how good you are to them, fail to treat you the same way? I personally think that you can express your expectations, set your boundaries for how you want to be treated, love yourself to the fullest, but you can’t “teach” someone who doesn’t want to be taught. You cannot force someone you care about, to show the same level of attentiveness, affection, and effort as you do. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum and burned my self-esteem through tireless efforts to get people I adore to love and respect me the way I love and respect them.
Self love, is so important, but here are some tips to dealing with people who don’t treat you the way you want to be treated:
- Learning to eventually identify, reflect, and communicate the issue helps. You should never feel like you are doing so much with nothing to show for it.
- Walking away: having the confidence to tone it down or walk away completely is an option.
- Learning that people express love and affection in many different ways: your way of expressing love may not reflect someone else’s manner of expressing love/friendship.
What are your thoughts? Is it contextual?
“Esther, you need to be a little meaner/a bitch. Men love bitches.”
“You do too much, you love with all of your heart. In the ends it leaves you hurt and empty.”
“You need to have higher standards and you also need to marry a man who loves you much more than you love him”
“the one who cares less, has more power”
I have heard a variation of these statement over the years; usually following a falling out with a guy or a love/crush that was unrequited.
I hate mind games. I love authentic interactions with men. I love being myself around guys I am interested in. I have however, reached a point where I think that some interactions require these temporary “tactics” or “mind games” that are deemed highly acceptable by the dating scene. I feel exhausted putting so much love, energy and effort into someone who doesn’t see my value/pushes me away, only to realize he is madly in love with me after the fact that I did my part and moved the hell on. There is a plethora of videos and books on the “how to ____ ” in regards to making a man want you more, making yourself seem a certain way when you are not etc. Some tactics are almost borderline manipulating, but branch off human psychology (we are pretty fucked up, y’all). I wish that it were ok for me to display my affections without the need pull away in order for him to notice my absence, or going completely cold turkey even though we both seem to get on very well. *slaps forehead*. Keeping a man’s (or woman’s) interest is a topic that that will stay relevant and will continue to be analyzed, put to the test, and made for profit. I do understand the inherent need for these tactics, but is there an ideal outcome where two people just can be their unapologetic selves?
It’s cool to be apathetic and nonchalant these days, displaying a side of yourself that cares too much or forgives too easily is a HUGE no-no in love and relationships it seems.
What are your thoughts?
I recently posted this photo ^ on my Instagram feed. I posted it in early February and since then have thought of taking it down. Esther that is way too sexy, too revealing, whose approval are you seeking? You are not a Victoria’s Secret Model. on the flip side, I also had self empowering thoughts like Esther, girl! you look good. You are comfortable in your sensual, Goddess-like being. Yes it is only social media, and yes there are much bigger problems to worry about, but I am on a journey of self love/self empowerment and I find it interesting that I at least, have these opposing and sometimes contradictory thoughts on my sensuality.
As I mentioned in a previous post, most women have to deal with a LOT of pressure to be this non-realistic superwoman; look amazing 24/7, have an amazing career, find an ideal mate before 30 etc. I find that when women are too comfortable in their own skin it is received as a plight for validation from men *rolls eyes*, a severe case of daddy issues, and a lack of self respect. It is always in accordance to men in some shape or form. The funny part is, women partake in this judgement whether we like to admit or not. There are many instances where I had thought wow she must really be insecure if she is comfortable twerking in her thong for the whole world to see instead of, you know what! get it girl! do what you want! I don’t know about everybody else, but for me it is also the outlet of expression that determines these thoughts. If I saw the same girl bellydancing or whining for instance, I would have immediately praised her instead of question her security or lack thereof.
Why is that?
We are so conditioned to think there is something wrong if a woman takes charge of her sensuality. Is it that offensive? Is it that powerful?
What are your thoughts?
I’m single as a pringle. Valentine’s Day was the equivalent to a spoonful of Buckley’s on a sick day. February 14th was always deemed a day of discomfort, moping, complaining, and one big WHY AM I ALWAYS SINGLE TODAY?
I am also an incurable romantic. My parents (God bless them), have shown me over and over again that soulmates do exist, that real love is effortless, but in times takes work. They have also showed me their love-sick-teen-like tendencies; which adds more fuel to the hope that maybe one day, I can have what they have.
In recent years I have embraced the widely accepted notion that Valentine’s Day is merely a Hallmark Holiday; you should love your spouse/SO every day Yadda,Yadda,Yadda…
(OK I’M INTERRUPTING THIS BLOG POST TO LET YA’LL KNOW THAT MY PARENTS CALLED ME TO TELL ME THAT THEY JUST WENT ON A NICE DATE) *heart eyes emoji*
I admit, I think I just want to experience at least one cheesy, roses and cards Valentine’s Day with someone I love and cherish. After that, I will gladly indulge in the “well me and so so show our love to each other EVERYDAY”.
For now though, this is how I resolve my Valentine’s Day blues:
- Feeling Grateful/Love – This could be for my family, friends, etc. have a journal handy, and write down 3-5 things you are grateful for
- Going about it like it is any other day- I work from 11am-9:30pm on Valentine’s Day, so I don’t have a lot of time to dwell on my singledom
- Go out with single friends or hangout with people you love- movies, lunch, you name it!
- If you are not working have a “me” day- pamper yourself, order some food, and watch some TV!
- Always have a positive mindset- girl you saved some money and didn’t have to get a man gifts! I’m playing. Feel happy for couples you know celebrate. Feel the love and excitement for them. Whatever you feel is what you attract…