“I only date ________ women/men.” The line between racial preferences and straight up ignorance.

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source: pinterest

This post is inspired by the recent backlash received by rapper Kodak Black a few weeks ago pertaining to his dating preferences; specifically that he only prefers light skin black women. Side note: I don’t personally listen to Kodak black or care for him really, but his comments sparked my interest because as a darker black woman, we are almost conditioned to feel inferior because our looks and personality. We are also conditioned to believe that we are the last choice in the dating pool (at least in the West). It also sparked my interest because I have been trying to figure out where our dating preferences stem from; specifically with race. Saying that I prefer tall men over short men has a lot more to do with feeling protected, and because I myself am really tall, but (hypothetically) saying that I only prefer white/latino/ men over black men raises a much deeper concern. Is it rooted in bigotry? Is it simply biological? Cultural? Media representations? Self-hate?

During an interview he was asked if he likes performer Keke Palmer, and responded by saying that he didn’t like black women like that. He then took to Instagram to clarify his previous statement:

“I love Black African American women its just not my forte to deal with a “darkskin” woman I prefer them to have a lighter complexion than me #MyPreference #FuckYou.”

At this point, I still wasn’t shaken by his statements. I have heard this statement in many forms over the years. I thought well, a preference is a preference I guess. I recently fell for a white boy, and said white boy told me he only prefers white and latina women. welp. I was obviously upset, but what if he couldn’t help it? On the flip side, what if he believed the stereotypes associated with black women? What if his family ingrained the idea that black women were inferior? Or what if they told him that he could never bring a black girl home?

I only started to roll my eyes and sigh in disbelief when Kodak decided to further his explanation for his preference by spewing complete nonsense like “black people, we too gutter” “light skins are easier to break down” “light skins are more sensitive” “dark skins are too rough”.

My word. Light skin women are easier to break down? what kind of messed up mentality is that? Easier to control and manipulate while her darker skin counterpart is so overly rough and masculine? complete rubbish.

That is my BIGGEST issue with stating racial preferences and preferences in general. If you have a strict racial preference fine, that’s alright. Don’t however, bash or put down dark skin black women or the opposite of your preference in the process. If I have a thing for taller guys, will I bash and deem shorter men effeminate? NO. If I prefer latino/white men over black men, am I putting down black men in the process? HELL no. My father is black, my brother is black.

Additional Side note: I don’t personally really have a strict preference, if a man is gorgeous, he is gorgeous no matter what his skin colour is.

What are your thoughts on preferences? Leave a comment below!

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Can you teach people how to treat you?

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This is a topic I have struggled to come to terms with; especially when you are born with the capacity to love and overdo it (and I mean, really overdo it). Can you teach people how to treat you? If you have been treated badly by a friend, family member, lover, crush, is it inherently your fault? Will you always come across people that no matter how good you are to them, fail to treat you the same way? I personally think that you can express your expectations, set your boundaries for how you want to be treated, love yourself to the fullest, but you can’t “teach” someone who doesn’t want to be taught.  You cannot force someone you care about, to show the same level of attentiveness, affection, and effort as you do. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum and burned my self-esteem through tireless efforts to get people I adore to love and respect me the way I love and respect them.

Self love, is so important, but here are some tips to dealing with people who don’t treat you the way you want to be treated:

  1. Learning to eventually identify, reflect, and communicate the issue helps. You should never feel like you are doing so much with nothing to show for it.
  2. Walking away: having the confidence to tone it down or walk away completely is an option.
  3. Learning that people express love and affection in many different ways: your way of expressing love may not reflect someone else’s manner of expressing love/friendship.

 

What are your thoughts? Is it contextual?